Monday, November 22, 2010

New TSA requirements

Everybody's up in arms about the new "pat-down" procedures. I thought really, people, we're an advanced country here, we can figure this out.

So here are my suggestions for actually effective airport screening:

1. Temperature sensors.Use those "scanners" to sense important things. Like, anyone with a temp above 99 degrees gets a choice of wearing a hazmat suit throughout the flight, or getting their temperature confirmed through a simple rectal measurement. No more germs!

2. Screaming child alert.No, this isn't about keeping off screaming children. What happens is, while you're waiting in that interminable line, you're subjected to the sound of a crying baby, on a loop. Anyone who rolls their eyes or starts looking around to make a mean face at families gets pulled aside for further questioning, including probing queries such as: have you always been an ass, or did this start when you hit adulthood?

3. Chatty Kathy-alyzer.During security screening, each passenger will be asked to state the nature of his or her trip. Those whose answers exceed 10 seconds will be seated next to each other in a special "Chatty Kathy" section, where they can share with each other all they want, while the rest of us read books, sleep, and generally ignore each other as God intended.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Origin of Species

A musical response to DovBear:

Origin Of Species by Chris Smither

Well, Eve told Adam
Snakes? I've had 'em!
Let's get outta here!
Go raise this family someplace outta town.

They left the garden just in time
With the landlord cussin' right behind.
They headed East,
and they finally settled down.

One thing led to another:
A bunch of sons,
One killed his brother
And they kicked him out with nothin' but his clothes.

And the human race survived
'Cause all those brothers found wives
But where they came from
Ain't nobody knows.

Then came the flood
Go figure...
Just like New Orleans only bigger.
No one who couldn't swim would make it through.

The lucky ones were on a boat
Think "circus"
And then make it float
I hope nobody pulls the plug on you!

How they fed that crowd is a mystery.
It ain't down in the history,
but it's a cinch they didn't
live on cakes and jam.

Lions don't eat cabbage
And in spite of that old adage,
I ain't never seen one
Lie down with a lamb.

Well, Charlie Darwin looked so far
Into the way things are.
He caught a glimpse of God's
unfolding plan.

God said: "I'll make some DNA"
They can use it any way they want
From paramecium
Right up to man."

"They'll have sex
And mix up sections of their code
They'll have mutations...
The whole thing works like clockwork over time."

"I'll just sit back in the shade
While everyone gets laid.
That's what I call
Intelligent design."

Yeah, you and your cat named Felix,
Both wrapped up in that double helix,
Is what we call
Intelligent design.

Monday, November 08, 2010

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

This is what's been eating the spinach in my garden.

There's a reason possums have never been popular as pets.

Friday, November 05, 2010

The little magazine that couldn't

..grasp what them Interwebs was about...

If you haven't heard about the Cooks Source scandal, read this.

Then go to their facebook page, and enjoy the comments. You can "like" them to get in on the fun.

For more hilarity, you can see how they tried to make a new Facebook page that wasn't "hacked."

I don't know what's funnier - the comments, or the fact that they still don't get it.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

I'm here

just busy.

And pissed about election results.

So, in the meantime, read this:

It’s possible that Misty is just fucking with me, but I really doubt it.