New TSA requirements

Everybody's up in arms about the new "pat-down" procedures. I thought really, people, we're an advanced country here, we can figure this out.

So here are my suggestions for actually effective airport screening:

1. Temperature sensors.Use those "scanners" to sense important things. Like, anyone with a temp above 99 degrees gets a choice of wearing a hazmat suit throughout the flight, or getting their temperature confirmed through a simple rectal measurement. No more germs!

2. Screaming child alert.No, this isn't about keeping off screaming children. What happens is, while you're waiting in that interminable line, you're subjected to the sound of a crying baby, on a loop. Anyone who rolls their eyes or starts looking around to make a mean face at families gets pulled aside for further questioning, including probing queries such as: have you always been an ass, or did this start when you hit adulthood?

3. Chatty Kathy-alyzer.During security screening, each passenger will be asked to state the nature of his or her trip. Those whose answers exceed 10 seconds will be seated next to each other in a special "Chatty Kathy" section, where they can share with each other all they want, while the rest of us read books, sleep, and generally ignore each other as God intended.