On the decision to stop at one child

I wonder what your name would have been. Whether you would have been a girl or a boy. Whether you would have followed your older brother around with total devotion, or attempted to surpass him. When he would have first pushed you.

I wonder what would make you smile. Whether you would have clung to me, like the first one, or pushed me away to go run with the big kids, as younger siblings seem to do. Whether you would have kept us awake at night, or been that miracle - the Child Who Sleeps Through the Night.

What bedtime confessions you would have made about small hurts, or confusions, or wishes. Whether your hair would be fine and straight, or curly. Whether you would enjoy the feel of warm water on your head as I wash your hair, or, yelling, pulling away, refused to get wet.

I can almost start wondering about your interests, your passions, your careers, your children... but these small, childhood things are more immediate. More real. More impossibly distant.

I'm sorry, little one. we would have loved you so much.