But it's MY Dirt!

Gardening with a toddler is, shall we say, interesting.

Forget the constant truck traffic through the strawberry beds. And the use of chive flowers as golf balls, perfectly set up on stems as tees.

Any redesigns of the garden structure must pass through an approval process more tortuous than trying to paint your Nantucket cottage orange. Here's the overview:

1. Create a new design in your head.


2. Draw it on paper


3. Mark out the design on the ground


4. Stick shovel in dirt


5. "NO!! Mama what are you doing? Mama you can't dig that close to my garden! Mama that's my dirt!"


6. Patiently soothe the child. Discuss the redesign. Bring up all the extra, delicious fruits the councilman will soon be able to pick in the new garden area, the extra seating for stories, the new roadways for driving on.


7. Renewed screaming.


8. Sigh, put away shovel for the day.


9. After the councilman is in bed, surreptitiously continue the digging, being careful to hide removed divots of dirt and sawmp grass by putting them in the deep trenches in the alley from the asshole neighbor who thinks it's ok to drive his pickup through the mud in February and ruin the alley for everyone.


10. The next time the little councilman is outside, be sure to divert his attention with a new "feature" in his sandbox. This can range from a new truck or dinosaur to filling it up with water. Or, like, just leaving the lid off so the rain fills it. Whatever.


11. "Mama, why are you ruining my hill? That's MY dirt, I drive there! Mama, you're too close to my garden again! Mama, stop!"


12. Strategic retreat for dinner.


13. Plan a day off later in the week so you can get the basics done without interference.


14. Dig, install hardscape, add dirt. Invite other small children over to "help" plant things in the new beds, bringing peer pressure on the councilman to accept the new facts on the ground.


15. Spend too much money on more mature fruit vines/bushes so that you will, in fact, be able to bribe the councilman with fruit THIS summer, instead of next.


16. Start planning the front yard redesign.