Thursday, March 25, 2010

The working mom's guide to Pesach cleaning

1. Make sure the vacuum cleaner is working. Do this by running it gently over all the small toys your children promised they would pick up earlier in the day. If it successfully sucks them up, you'll be fine.

2. One week beforehand, take inventory of your pantry. Put any unopened boxes of chametz in a bag to be donated to the local food pantry. Assemble all the other half-eaten boxes of chametz and inform your family that the menu for the week is spaghetti with cookies and beer. (Pause for wild cheering)

3. Assemble wildly overoptimistic shopping and to-do lists, which you plan to take care of after the children are asleep and on the one day you've taken off before Pesach to finish the cleaning and prep. Think hard about whether you care that the lemon sponge cake you're cooking in the oven will smell like the gefilte fish you're cooking on top of it. Decide you don't actually care, so long as it looks pretty. Everyone will be 4 glasses of wine into it by then.

4. During your lunch break, go to the local wine bar and do a tasting of all the kosher for Passover wines. Buy a couple bottles. Then decide that you're not sure about your choices, and go back for another tasting. Repeat.

5. Carefully check under couch cushions for chametz and spare change. The spare change will pay for a delicious tasting plate to go along with your (hic!) wine tastings.

6. Oh, yeah, and make sure you eat any leftover snacks you've stashed in your desk at work. Can't be too careful. (No, bitch, you can't have my KitKats. I'll eat them all myself. I've got, like, all of Monday, right?)

7. Install dimmer switches on any lights in the dining room or kitchen, so that you can feel absolutely confident when you make the ritual disclaimer about disavaowing any chametz you didn't see or know about. Right. That should take care of it.

5 Comments:

OpenID threadzofblue said...

I love this....humorous, with just the right amount of "oh my, it's so true".

Here's to the last weekend before Pesach - let the frantic finishing up begin!

3/25/2010 7:35 PM  
Blogger The back of the hill said...

ROTFL!

3/25/2010 9:15 PM  
Anonymous Steve said...

So, is that it? You are so lazy!! Love this little blog, Tzip. I'll be back, so don't hide those cushions!

3/26/2010 12:08 AM  
Anonymous Minnesota Mamaleh said...

nicely done, lady! i think, perhaps, we could all take ourselves just a tad more lightly these days, right? i needed the laugh-- thanks!

3/26/2010 12:20 AM  
Blogger Am Kshe Oref - A Stiff-Necked People said...

Totally awesome!

3/26/2010 1:54 PM  

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